Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Sounds like a bargain

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.