Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Software Development ⛵️

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

ok this is my dumbest yet

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

No regrets in 2018