Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Just did a big green poo by a canal

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba