Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
You know…for fall…
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
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