Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Personal question. #JustSaying
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.