Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
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Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Can you solve the riddle??
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car