*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
LMAO
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
ok like just. call me at this point
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.