“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Just another day on Facebook…
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…