*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*