*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
This is what makes twitter great
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.