Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.