Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system