Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.