ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Hello Twits.