I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
They’re on their honeymoon
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.