Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

any last words?

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?