Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.