Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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Baristas need to make a living wage because every time I work up a rapport with one enough to give me a friends & family discount, they end up leaving for a higher paying gig and I’m back to full priced lattes
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
It’s an epidemic…
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed