Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother