Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Morning.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Hero horse inspires millions

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

“I’m helping” 😅

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.