Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.