Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day