Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Fiction has to make sense.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.