Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no