Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

Brb my Sims are getting married

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what