Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

do u think theres a butter planet?

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

How much for the goth pool noodles?

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Yes my dude

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby