Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I have a black belt in leather
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
This was a bad idea all around
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I am yelling
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”