Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
applying for a new job
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday