Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You Might Also Like
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Poetry is my passion
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING