Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

At least my masseuse has my back.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.