Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?