Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Print is alive and well!!!

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.