Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.


How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?


My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie


I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.


boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer


When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.


This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.


Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.