Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks