@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

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@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@AmishPornStar1

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

@MiddleageM

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

@818Newbie

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

@bonehugsnirony

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

@HomeProbably

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

@AdamOfEarth

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.