@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

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@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@GoldenSpirals

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@KeetPotato

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@SondraDeeMe

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party