The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me: “woofie goldberg”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party