@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

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@lloydrang

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@primawesome

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

@Contwixt

FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.

@ClichedOut

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

@DrakeGatsby

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

@HrBry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@jwoodham

If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

@hippieswordfish

*2 pieces of bread being held hostage*
bread 1: any way you slice it we’re toast
bread 2: we’re dead wheat

me: did my breakfast just talk

@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs