Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.