Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
You Might Also Like
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
men, we mow at sunrise.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.