Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!