Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.