@mydanimarie

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

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@beefman138

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

@Donna_McCoy

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

@sickipediabot

Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

@ThePocketJustin

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

@Donna_McCoy

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

@ClichedOut

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.