Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.