Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.