Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.