Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

The United Steaks of America

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

my sentiments exactly

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan