Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.