Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
opening twitter today
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
🇺🇸🤭
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.