Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course