Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!