Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer