Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.