Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not