Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.