Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
A French press is when you hug naked
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card