Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

then why did i get this email

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…