Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
not seeing the problem
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?