kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Just got to our Airbnb!
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.