kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

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Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so


If you look at my exes, I’ve lost all taste WAY before I got Covid


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.


ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for


I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger


SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo


I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra


*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*


boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds


I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.


Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?