kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
SCARY COSTUME
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.