Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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Always a metermaid never a meter
Can. I. Help. You.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My background check bounced.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.