Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?