kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you