Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

thank god

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Me too 😆

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president