Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
