Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Good Morning.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that