Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
🤣🤣
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.