Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby