Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*seductively eats two tums*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…