Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
no regrets
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.