Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?