Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.