kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment