The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Stop sending me this shit.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person