Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

a public service announcement

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen