Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

I beg you to euthanise me

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Something Saturday.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.