Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.