Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*