Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Some people were born into their job.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.