Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
next question.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
“i am a sweet baby”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart