Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I love the National Park Service.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
hmm conte-me mais
